30: The origin of dogs
28, or 3: the day I proposed to you
27: and then, it happened
alert, alert, i am being feted with affection; i won’t give examples that’s crass but did i tell you how–
tears for fears was on
a bob dylan cover was on
we were listening to
i was fiddling with my headphones when
cyberspace, or somewhere like it, or somewhere closer to it than we thought ever, ever thought because that’s how it all started, didn’t it?
help me, help me, please, i’m being loved like crazy, help me help myself
my ears prick up at the source of playlists and just when, just when i thought that Some Songs
had to be left behind the world threw me an LP and said,
there’s always more,
there’s always more out there to listen to and glisten to in the dew of the evening spring night, it’s spring now just like you wanted and here’s
they say if you’re a wanted man, shout about it,
shout as loud as you can at three in the morning
from behind a leather glove
from the back of your lungs where your throat thrums
in whimpers in gazes in not shouting at all in just looking upon from
behind a mask
your eyes don’t lie.
mayday, mayday, i’m late on my poems, but i’m meeting my deadlines for meeting your people for meeting the mark
you’ll get your belle and sebastian and you might
get more than houseplants and consummate wit; and career advice
from a similarly ambitiously addled arrogant advocate, from me,
to you, with love–
yep, i’m scared shitless.
yep, i’m scared of you, in the aggregate, in the particular, in the specific, in the way you kiss the
back of my neck
upper cheekbones and say,
26: notes in somatic experiencing when you listen to the playlist you intentionally made to make yourself cry, and what you experienced
Felice brothers make my chest tight, I imagined,
singing along with a few friends who knew the words in raucous dance with my
bride creature beside me holding me tight
Old Hound was always my own song but it makes me sad anyway
wanting to be
wanting to be– you know,
I wanted to dance to run with me at the wedding because we had recently been running together ha ha ha, but your breasts hurt and you felt bad and weird ahd it wasn’t fun for you so I ran the races. I got the stupid jacket prize in the end. Run with you. It would have really cemented that seventies glow.
Even Simjang is gone now, like we just killed all the restaurants we loved in our wake. A man among guys.
Paul McCartney feels like a warm, hot sick punch to the gut, literally like, I’ve been socked in the sternum by a burst of noxious air. I knew the exact chord change where I would kiss you in the middle of our afternoon, our life. Spring wedding at a house, summer wedding in the backyard, lodge, Vegas, desert I meant it when I said I could live a thousand different lives of love with you, beautiful fucker.
I guess we’re living. I guess this is a life of love, in one way or another.
I fall asleep to the mountain goats even though it catches in my throat because I feel warm and cozy like a cracked china sink in a bathroom with fairy lights like the way I did in your arms, chest rising and falling with the water in the clawfoot tub, for a while.
25: the day the bottom dropped out again