To be held closely, to the mind.

Dear Camionneuse,

I need you to read this and to read it again when your resolve shakes.

Right now, in this very moment, you are unwashed and underneath a comforter. You have finished two episodes of your favorite television show and you are wearing boxers from three days ago. In your hands are two things: a steaming hot mug of tea and a pen.

Your window is broken. A plug has gone faulty. There are no groceries, your laundry is mounting, and there may be a leak near the water heater. You are alone.

Outside of your few square feet, down your six flights of curved, worn stairs and thin walls and massive, scarred front door is Paris. For this brief, heartbreakingly small drip in time, it belongs to you to do with as you please. The world has handed you the keys and shut the door with a thud. You can write, stay in, go out, move, shake, stand completely still in this world and everything you do will be met with a voracious appreciation. It is yours! And it will always be yours, for it is in this place that you found your reasons, the secret reasons you needed to salivate and savor over the days ahead.

You are the happiest you have ever been in a long time. Not euphoric, not energized with mania or excitement. You are calm, your breathing is empty, you are happy because you are in a place of complete and utter solitude and peace with yourself and with the brand new world to come.

Today is just one day that you own, that you caress, to do with as you please. You can go out to the backwoods of Paris today. You can stay in and listen to Tori Amos’ “I’m on Fire” fifty times! You can go out to eat, blow your bank account on one meal or one bottle of wine, stay inside and subside off pasta and duck fat, you can get naked, get dressed up. There’s nothing that you can’t do with this day, with anything for this moment, that you feasibly want to do.

That’s pretty fucking exquisite.

With that in mind, when all things change and rearrange and resolve and end with inconsistency, please keep these things in mind.

You must be selfish.

You must be hungry.

You must leave and begin everything with grace. What happens in between sometimes can’t be controlled, but those two points, those are all you.

You must start small. 24 hours is not a long time, but in each minute each decision has sway.

So, please, do not have any unrealistic expectations for 2013, or for anyone you meet or anything that you do within that orbital cycle, other than to embrace what you have and move past what you do not. Stretch, eat, love, blink, write, work, change it all away, and never forget where you came from or what you are.

Selfish and hungry, my girl!


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