I tried to anoint my belly with opuntia, I tried to hold my inner child close and bathe the body in water, I tried
I tried to focus in on small moments of affirmation; that I am loved, that I attract the kind of people, plant, and animal who love me back; that I find love everywhere,
I am trying to see the world as a neutral place but bare minimum inhostile; a place
where my cat comes running when my eyes open. But I find it hard to believe that things could change in a few months, I relish my skepticism because it proves that I am aware, yet mourn the reality of an ever-changing world, mourn the brain that screams to me at night, whether I am alone, in company, home, away, persistent, desperate to hone the message-you are not safe,
you are not safe,
run–
you are not safe,
and run to where? I challenge, if the inside of my brain on a quiet night is not safe, where can I go? But it is, I recognize, more of an advertisement than a beacon, more a billboard than a sign; it is here that is not safe, it is everywhere that is not safe, because the feelings remain. in the midst of this angst, I scrawl my own message back, one neuron in a sea of black firing synapses- where?
Anywhere, anywhere, saying–I love you even when you are cracked, I love you when you sob, I love you knowing that this will never end, I love you in the morning when your heart pounds, I love your darkest, most sad thoughts, all of the thoughts that end in death, I love your darkest corners, the corners that they said they could not love any more, those corners, I love them, I love how you hold your cat as tenderly as any baby, I love you amongst your problems, I love your problems, I love that all problems can abate; I love you because you try and try and try to help yourself push forward, no matter the obstacle, I love you when you fail, I love you when you cry,
screaming into the void, I love you.
-C.
camionneuse 